Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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