if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
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