Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
