I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Randomize