Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
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