We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
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