I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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