It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
