I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Randomize
