what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
