Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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