it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
