Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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