You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
