is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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