yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Randomize
