I just pynch a tree in the face
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
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