Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
