and i looked up. we had an audience...
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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