apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
That's how pantless uber rides happen
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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