in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Randomize
