i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
