I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
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