all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
