The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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