The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
