You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
