sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
