I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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