How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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