when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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