two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
