I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
