I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
How does one acquire holy water?
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
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