Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize
