It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
