I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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