I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
