I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
