its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
