it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
