dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
