I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
At least life still wants to fuck me.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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