Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
