you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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