dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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