Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
