Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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