i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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