I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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