Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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