I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
did i walk over a car last night?
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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