Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
