I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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