If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
