I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
