You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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