I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
Sorry about my life...
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
